Is divorce bad for children? This question is common from divorcing couples, but research shows that what impacts children of divorce the most is not the divorce itself but the prolonged conflict and tension between the parents. The more parents can do to minimize tension and conflict, the less the effects of divorce on children will be felt and the better off the entire family will be.
It’s clear that the relationships we witness as children affect our relationships as adults. The more parents can model healthy relationships, especially in times of conflict, the better off the child’s view of relationships will be. Parents, usually unintentionally, may do things during or after the divorce that can negatively impact the children. A few ways to minimize the negative impact of divorce on children are outlined below.
Avoid Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent
The most common issue I see in my cases involving a divorce with children is a parent speaking negatively about the other parent. Children inherently know that they are a part of their mother and a part of their father. When a parent speaks badly about the other parent, children tend to internalize that and may think they portray the same characteristics as the “bad parent.” This specific impact of divorce on children can be serious and lead to self-doubt or anxiety in the child. In some relationships, it is impossible to eliminate parental conflict, but research regarding the effects of divorce on children shows that having one parent speak positively of the other parent balances out the negativity the child hears from the other parent, thus reducing the overall sense of conflict.
Avoid Saying Too Much
When dealing with divorce and children, the children should be left in the dark about the amount of child support their parents are paying/receiving, who is getting what in the divorce settlement, what child support is supposed to pay for, and the like. Remember when speaking to your child that the person listening is your child, not a friend in whom you can confide: Leave that to your therapist or adult friends who are better equipped to be of support.
Don’t Make the Child Choose a Parent or Take Sides
Forcing a child to take sides is a common cause of negative effects of divorce on children. Children should not have to choose between parents. Whether you’re talking about which parent they should primarily live with, which parent they should chose to spend a holiday with, or even minor decisions, these discussions need to be between the parents, not the children. Children want to please both parents, and making children choose between parents will only cause your child anxiety in the long run and impact them well into their adulthood. Be patient with your child, and try not to take things personally.
Take it Slow When Introducing a New Partner
The impact of divorce on children doesn’t always stem from a place of negativity; sometimes, it can come from something that’s generally viewed as positive, like dating someone new. The needs of the parent and the needs of the child rarely are the same when it comes to introducing a new romantic partner, and it’s important for parents to keep their child’s interests at the forefront. To help minimize the chances of any negative divorce effects on children, be sure the new relationship is serious before introducing someone to your children. Your children have recently experienced the divorce of their parents, and they do not need to go through another breakup in the short term.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
While children do need plenty of support during these times and it’s important to be mindful of the effects of divorce on kids, parents should not disregard their own needs. If a parent is feeling negative effects throughout the divorce, it can impede their ability to take care of the child. Do not be afraid to ask for help.
Bear in mind that children benefit from emotionally stable parents who can focus on the huge job that is parenting: exercising reasonable discipline, providing love and support, and being emotionally responsive. But when it comes to children and divorce, remember that parents do not need to be married or living in the same home in order to be emotionally stable. Choose your words carefully and be mindful of how your behavior toward your former spouse impacts your children now and in the future. Doing so can help lessen the negative effect of divorce on children.
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Kelly Caperton Fischer is known for her ability to find respectful and creative family law solutions, including for child and property-related matters. She is also a strong advocate for collaborative law as a means to foster open negotiations, prioritize settlements, and focus on the best interests of the family. Kelly has been recognized as a Texas Super Lawyers Rising Star multiple times, including 2009-12, 2018, and 2019.
If you are facing a divorce and are concerned about the effects of divorce on children, Kelly can provide the valuable guidance you need. Contact Kelly Caperton Fischer to learn more about the steps you can take to successfully protect your children’s best interests during and after divorce.
