“I think I’m losing my mind.” Amy*, a very bright, sensitive wife and mother of two, sat in my office for a divorce consultation. “When Jim and I met 15 years ago, he swept me off my feet. He was the smartest, most charming, and most caring man I had ever met. Either I’m going crazy, or he’s not the same man I married.”
Amy continued without missing a beat, “Over the years, I’ve caught him in lie after lie, but he never apologized. Somehow, it always got twisted around and became my fault. The strangest part was, I didn’t even realize he was gaslighting me until I discovered he was having an affair. When I confronted him, we got into a big fight that ended with him actually blaming me for not being adequate to meet his needs!
“I want to leave him, but I’m exhausted and afraid. Jim always has to win. He never gives up: He just wears me down until I give in. He’s heavily involved in the children’s activities, and he controls virtually all of our money. If I try to leave, he will either use the kids to get to me, or he will burn down the estate so I’m left with nothing. What do I do?”
Does Your Spouse Have a High-Conflict Personality?
Amy isn’t losing her mind; she may be married to someone with a high-conflict personality. Her experience reflects patterns that are becoming increasingly common in divorce proceedings. An increasing number of people facing divorce find themselves contending with their spouse’s high-conflict personality. Currently, many cases requiring court intervention involve at least one individual with such a personality type.
This isn’t surprising when you consider that research has found that approximately nine percent of Americans have one or more significant personality disorders. While not every individual with a high-conflict personality has a diagnosed disorder, some do. The most common personality disorders seen in family courts today include histrionic, narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial personality disorders. These conditions, especially when combined with a high-conflict personality, can result in lengthy and sometimes dangerous family disputes.
Personality Traits of a Sociopath
People diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), often termed “sociopaths” or “psychopaths,” typically exhibit a diminished conscience or complete lack thereof. They may engage in dishonesty, deceit, and even hostility or violence without experiencing any guilt or remorse. These individuals can be adept at lying, manipulating, and distorting reality. Research has shown that approximately four percent of adults fit the clinical criteria for ASPD, meaning you likely know one or two such individuals.
Divorcing a Person With a High-Conflict Personality
To a person like Amy, who is married to someone who exhibits antisocial personality traits, or perhaps has ASPD, the relationship can feel like an endless, exhausting roller coaster, vacillating between intense highs, devastating lows, and alarming swings in between. Chaos often dominates the marriage.
Divorcing a sociopath presents special challenges in addition to the usual stresses associated with the divorce process itself. To begin with, Amy will need to identify and overcome her own fears, which are understandably amplified by her apprehension about how her high-conflict spouse might react. Ending a marriage with someone who lacks empathy and skillfully employs deceit, manipulation, coercion, and guilt with little or no moral restraint can be an overwhelming or even paralyzing experience.
To overcome such fears when considering divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality, the first crucial step is to commit to planning and preparing with the same focus, dedication, and consistency that an elite athlete employs when training for an endurance event. Your readiness, determination, and resolve can significantly and positively impact the outcome.
Divorcing a Sociopath: Charting Your Path Forward
Devising a strategic plan for how to divorce a sociopath is essential. Here are four tips to help you develop your strategy and navigate your high-conflict divorce in Texas:
- Set and Monitor Your Goals. Decide what matters most to you, and document these as your primary aims. Regularly revisit these goals throughout the divorce process. This practice will help you stay focused on your priorities and prevent unnecessary expenditure of time and resources on less critical matters.
- Seek Qualified Professional Guidance and Emotional Support. Effective negotiation requires a balance of power between both parties. However, if your spouse exhibits antisocial traits or actually suffers from ASPD, there might be a significant imbalance that disadvantages you. Your spouse might employ manipulation, deceit, and pressure tactics to dominate negotiations during the divorce. To anticipate and counter this properly, consider working with a therapeutic psychologist or licensed professional counselor experienced in dealing with high-conflict personalities. Also, engage a family law attorney skilled in handling such cases as early as possible during your preparation.
- Choose Your Attorney Carefully. Not all family law attorneys are adept at managing high-conflict personalities, and some may inadvertently escalate the situation due to lack of experience. Meet with multiple family law attorneys and ask specifically about their experience with high-conflict cases. Instead of selecting the lawyer who makes the grandest promises, opt for one with demonstrated experience in this area and a solid reputation for integrity, responsiveness, and insightful counsel.
- Be Prepared to Involve the Court. In some cases, external enforcement is necessary. High-conflict individuals may need to face the authority and regulations imposed by the court, particularly in the early stages. Prepare yourself for the possibility that court intervention might be required to re-balance the balance-of-power before, and perhaps during, negotiations as your case progresses.
You Can Succeed
While ending a marriage to someone with a high-conflict personality introduces additional challenges, collaborating with skilled and experienced mental health and legal professionals can help you navigate the process effectively and reach a favorable outcome.
Curtis W. Harrison is a board-certified family law attorney and partner with Goranson Bain Ausley, practicing in the North Texas communities of Collin County, Dallas County, Denton County, Grayson County, and surrounding areas. To learn more about how to divorce a sociopath, contact Curtis W. Harrison at (214) 833-7760 for more information.
The foregoing is provided for informational purposes only.
* Amy is a fictionalized composite drawn from 30 years of family law practice.
